The Fantasy Life of Robbie Gould

Typically in fantasy football, a manager doesn't become incredibly attached to their kicker. They are usually drafted in the last round, dropped on their bye week and then the manager moves on to someone else. Strategy is seldom involved. Their fantasy value is more contingent on the offense's ability to drive down the field yet stall out anywhere from 1 to 35 yards from the endzone. A factor that is out of a kicker's hands...no pun intended.

The struggling Blue Gators (3-7) are trailing the River's Edge Roosters by a slender 5 point margin. The only person left to play on either roster is Robbie Gould, the starting kicker for the Chicago Bears, the starting kicker for the Blue Gators, the starting kicker who I would love to get 6 points for me this week.

Even though my team is 3-7 and Blazar's team is 4-6, there is a lot riding on this matchup... and Robbie Gould's boot. Last place in each division plays in the Book Report Battle during Week 16. As much as I would like to avoid that game, I did decide it was better to trade for Al Jefferson in The Jovonovich (NBA) as opposed to having Tom Brady for the last 4 weeks of the season. Also, I'm sick of being in last place. My teams are currently 10th in football, 10th in basketball (I'm tied with other teams at 1-2 but ESPN still has me ranked at 10th) and 10th in the CSC overall. This win and 3 CSC points would be a 6-point swing and an opportunity for me to get out of the proverbial CSC basement.

With all of this on the line, I've done way more research on Robbie Gould than any fantasy manager should have to do. Now I know I can secure a tie with 5 points, I would rather just get the 6 to bring myself even with Blazar, and possibly Don, in our terrible division.

Robbie Gould's 2012 Stats:

• His lowest fantasy output was 5 points versus Green Bay in Week 2. He made 1 field goal and one PAT. Chicago lost that game 23-10 in Green Bay.
• He has reached double-digits in fantasy output in 5 of 9 games this year with his highest being 16 against Tennessee just two weeks ago.
• His career FG% is .858 (that's pretty good considering he kicks more in bad weather than others).
• The Bears offense is currently averaging roughly 3 TDs and 2 FGs a game this season.
• The 49ers defense has only allowed 14 points a game this season which is fine. If the Bears only score 13 points (1 TD & 2 FGs), I win. If the Bears score just 6 points (2 FGs), I win.
• ESPN has him projected to get 5 points but ESPN's projections are made by dipshits because I was supposed to score 180 points 3 times this season and my highest total is 154.

Conclusion:

Based on averages, I should win. Based on averages, my team should be better than 3-7. Based on averages, I should be able to at least catch one fucking break this season.

If I do lose, I have found that Robbie Gould currently lives in Prairie Creek. It is a neighborhood in Kildeer which is in Lake County which is a suburb of Chicago, I think, which I will be visiting if he fucks this up. If the Bears offense fucks this up, I will be writing a strongly worded letter to their main office.

Morale of the Story:

Just kick me 2 field goals dipshit... or 1 field goal and 3 extra points... or 1 50-yard field goal and an extra point... just get me 6 points... dipshit.

Countdown to Homecoming: A Call to Court Street

Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. Venice Beach when Matthew McConaughey goes on a shirtless run. All pale in comparison to Ohio University in the fall. And spring. And summer. And winter.

It has been nearly a fortnight since I soaked in the magical ambience of Athens. And by “fortnight” I don’t mean the literal definition of 14 days; rather, in the “I haven’t been there in a really long-ass time and lack the creativity to produce another word to enlighten this vacancy” sense. William Shakespeare once penned, “Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment.” Far be it from me to contradict such wisdom. Regardless of what society may try to suppress, this Bobcat’s fire flames eternal. In short: it is time to commence the preparations for the pilgrimage to the Promised Land once more.

Make no mistake, we are facing the most menacing of adversaries. Despite humanity’s advancement against aging, Father Time remains undefeated. This state of affairs is manifesting in marriages, moves, job changes and an alarming increase in sobriety. Worse, though we’d like to envision ourselves as still in our prime, more than likely, we’re in that Alonzo-Mourning-in-his-second-stint-with-the-Heat stage. And the fact that I just made such a comparison brings tears to my eyes, like that Indian who sees trash on the road or when Whitehead found out they were closing the Junction.

Yet I’ll be goddamned if I’m not going down swinging. Once a year, this wonderful weekend serves as a time machine. Not necessarily like a DeLorean in a Back to the Future portal where we can somehow change the present, but more in a Terminator 2 perspective where we can wreak havoc and carnage without the help of a basic plot or narrative but everyone agrees it’s kick-ass anyway. And as life only gives you so few chances to relive the glory that all of us experienced in Athens, its damn-near criminal to let the opportunity pass by.

I want to say I’ll be entering God’s Country next Friday afternoon; this would be erroneous, however, as in this man’s mind, I’m already there. 

Babb Bowl - Week 2 Lines

Week 2 Lines:

Barnes vs. Petrello (-12)

Battle of the NBC people. Barnes is the weekend sports anchor and Nick works there. Not exactly sure what he does. Producer? I was at the station once and he was working. I can confirm that much. Nonetheless, Petrello is coming off a thumping of Don's team, even with his squad under performing compared to projections. I give Petrello the double-digit edge in the battle of NBC and undefeateds.

Blazar vs. Schaffer (-4)

Schaffer and East Union Emus had a big underdog victory over JC and the Blue Gators in week 1 thanks to performances from Matt Bryant and Peyton Manning. I believe the Emus have what it takes to start the season 2-0. Blazar had a rough start. His team seemed to be playing pre-season week 5. Will they play pre-season week 6 or CSC week 2? Only time will tell. I give Schaffer the narrow edge.

Shane vs. Don (+2)

If this were CSC Championship Week, this would be the Book Report Battle. The Stewart Street Scorpions, managed by Shane, were 17 point favorites going into week 1. They lost by 41. Team Pic was a 31 point dog that turned into a 63 point dog. Both teams are better than what they showed in week 1...or are they? The Scorpions get the slight advantage because they don't have a default team name.

Joel vs. Andy (-21)

This line is early and is bound to swing 20+ points depending on one thing. Will Andy get too drunk Saturday night and forget to set his lineup Sunday morning? Will Andy decide to go for brunch on Sunday afternoon and forget to set his lineup? Will Andy go for jog Sunday morning, set in a pothole, roll his ankle and forget to set his lineup? Stay tuned. Joel keep your fingers crossed. If Mayor Paul Wiehl can stay healthy, I see a lot of P's and Q's by his starting roster, he is going to be a tough opponent this week.

Wolf vs. JC (-17)

The Blue Gators were a favorite in week 1 and lost by double digits. That was one of the two underdog wins in Babb Bowl week 1. Even though everyone told me it was a bad idea to draft Burner Turner, I did it anyway and he cruised to a solid 5 points. I think he can get 7 or 8 this week. Suck it. Currently U Have Herpes.. lol, is employing an interesting strategy. No starting defense. They say defense wins championship, but then again, those people probably sucked at scoring. Should be a high scoring affair with the Blue Gators winning by double digits.

Babb Bowl - Week 1 Lines

CSC 2.0, if you will, begins Wednesday, September 5th with Babb Bowl 2012. I hope everyone is ready for an exciting experience.

Given time constraints, I am going to try and give a rundown of the lines for each of our fantasy matchups with a little bit of insight every week. The insight will vary depending on how bored, tired and/or hungover I am while compiling the post.

Schaffer vs. JC (-6)

The East Union Emus (Schaffer) were originally six point favorites but, after some impeccable roster moves by the manager of The Blue Gators (JC), the line slid twelve points. The key in this matchup is Peyton Manning. After cheering Peyton on for many years, JC and The Blue Gators will now view him as the opposition, standing in their way of Babb Bowl glory.

"Everyone keeps telling me Michael "The Burner" Turner is going to get hurt. That ignited the inner hipster in me to draft him for nostalgia's sake. He's like an old vinyl record that you find in the used section of your local record store. A little weathered over the years, overlooked and undervalued but, when you put him on that turntable, he keeps burnin' and turnin' into the endzone." - JC

Over/Under: Burner Turner touchdowns this season - 10.5

Wolf vs. Blazar (-9)

Wolf is trying to be the Cincinnati Bengals of the Babb Bowl. In week 1, two of his players are out due to suspension. On top of that, Darren Sproles is questionable. On top of all that, he has Beanie Wells on his team. Beanie should be required to wear a scarlet "P" on his jersey considering he is on the injury report approximately 99% of the time.

Over/Under: Games Beanie Wells starts - 6.5

Barnes vs. Joel (-4)

The only thing that managed to stop Patrick Swayze in 57 years was a stupid pancreas with a little bit of cancer. In this matchup, Team Barnes is the stupid pancreas and The Swayze Bombs are going to cancer the shit out of them. I think a four point spread was very generous.

Over/Under: Weeks Barnes is dumb - infinity minus .5

Andy vs. Shane (-24)

This is the first season that ESPN fantasy football has dealt with Randy Jamison Mall K. Hee. I don't think they fully understand how little he will pay attention to this league. Even though Aaron Rodgers is really good, he won't be able to put up 50 points when he is still starting on his bye week. And even though AP probably won't play for Minnesota in Week 1, you can guarantee he will start for Team Randy.

Over/Under: Weeks Andy sets his lineup - 3.5

Don vs. Petrello (-30)

This is the definition of your classic "trap" game. I don't know what it is but I have a weird feeling Don is going to pull this one out, especially with Sebastian Janikowski currently questionable.

Over/Under: Don's underdog victories - 5.5

The Smack-Down Manifesto

Unfulfilled. That’s the sentiment of my state of mind as we enter this revamped campaign of the Court Street Cup, as, much like the ’86 Lakers failing to meet the Celtics in the NBA Finals, my arch-nemesis and unworthy adversary Corey Taylor has bowed out of the tournament. The French playwright Honore de Balzac once noted, “An unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man's entire existence,” and though I usually diverge from any notion emitted from those croissant-eatin’, white-flag-wavin’ pansies (aside from Nicolas Batum’s coin-purse punch), on this concept, I must concur.

Yet don’t misconstrue this melancholy as submission, for the glory of Court Street Cup is a grail quest that fulfills the most insatiable of thirsts. And luckily, there’s a host of reputable villains that merit the intended scorn of Taylor:

- Nick, who seemed to be doing his best Tim Duncan Face impersonation on the running message board on draft night after the app incorrectly selected Megatron over Chris Johnson.

- Andy’s Mulcahey-ness is always entitled to our collective contempt.

- I’m assuming Barnes still sucks.

- Although I respect the hell out of him, I’m a firm advocate that the Mayan Prediction won’t be brought on by the Zombie Apocalypse but rather an army of angry Lilliputians, meaning Shane remains on my **** list.

As I mentioned at the commencement of the Cup, to gather a small multitude to engage in the Holy Trinity of Athens, fantasy sports, and competition is reason for joy alone, and for uniting in this venture, I give thanks. I’m also much obliged for everyone’s generous donations to the league championship disbursement, which will undoubtedly find its way into my philanthropic endeavor “Beall’s Meals,” a for-profit foundation that allocates 2.3 percent of all contributions to varying selfless organizations, with the remaining funds going to my on-going effort to upgrade my 2005 Golden Tee machine to a newer, flat-screen model.

In closing, though I would like to echo Theodore Roosevelt’s remarks that, "Far better it is to dare mighty things, than to take rank with those poor, timid spirits who know neither victory nor defeat,” you plebeians are not deserving of such grace. Instead, I harken (and amend) the words of 20th century philosopher Sir Charles Barkley:

“I don’t know much about the Court Street Cuppers, but I know they’re in trouble.”

Keeping it Athens since ’86,

Bad News

Book Report Info

Here is some clarification on the book reports that the loser must do:

• The loser of each league must do a book report. That means there will be 4 a year.
• Book will be chosen by the league champion. He may enlist the help of the rest of the league.
• Book cannot be chosen solely on length.
• Book must be available at a local library or someone has to have a copy handy.

Book Report Guidelines:

• Loser has 21 days to complete the book report from the date the book has been selected.
• Report must be 5-7 minutes long.
• Must be done live or recorded and posted on YouTube.
• If the book report sucks, we can tell you didn't read the book or the book report is late, you lose CSC points.

The main point is that this is meant to be a penalty for you sucking ass at fantasy sports and you should be made fun of by doing something really stupid. Enjoy!

Babb Bowl Draft Info

Since this is the first season of the new CSC, all of the draft orders for this season will be determined randomly. Those with an odd draft position will be in one division, while those with an even draft position will be in the other division. Starting with season 2, the league champion for that particular sport will be able to determine draft order and determine who goes into each division.

For the Babb Bowl, you will play everyone in your division twice, for a total of 8 games, and 6 games versus the other division. The two division winners and one wild-card make the playoffs for every league. The team with the best regular season record automatically advances to the Babb Bowl and will await the winner of the 2v3 match-up.

Each regular season fantasy football game is worth 3 points in the CSC standings, 1 point in case of a tie. The Babb Bowl Championship game is worth 8 points and $100. So a perfect season would be worth 50 points.

It appears we will have 10 members for the CSC this season. Here is the payout breakdown:

Final Court Street Cup Standings:

• 1st Place - $350
• 2nd Place - $150
• 3rd Place - $100
• Each League Championship - $100

Welcome to the New Court Street Cup

It is almost that time again. I have created The Babb Bowl on ESPN. Check your inboxes.

Most of you have played in the CSC before. The rest should at least know about it. Here is how the new version will work:

~ 4 League Fantasy League (NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA)
~ Head-to-Head (H2H) format:
~ NFL will be H2H on points

~ NBA, NHL and MLB will be H2H w/ 10 or 12 categories, 1-win format

~ Point Format:
~ NFL, each win will be worth 3 points, 1 point for each if the match-up is within 1 point
~ NBA/NHL/MLB, each win will be worth 2 points, 1 point for a tie

~ The Championship game will be worth anywhere from 5-10 points, NFL will be 8 points
~ The maximum amount of points in one sport is 50.

~ League Structure:
~ 2 Divisions of 4-5 teams, schedules will be division heavy
~ Division winners and 1 wild card make playoffs
~ #2 vs #3 in the semi-final, top seed advances straight to final

~ Championship Advantage:
~ League Champion gets to decide the draft order & division composition for next season
~ For season 1, everything will be random

~ Keepers:
~ You can keep players in round drafted, plus 2. Example someone drafted in the 5th round would be a 3rd round keeper.
~ Players drafted or kept as a 1st or 2nd round pick are not allowed to be selected as a keeper. This ensures that top talent will continue to be circulated around the league.
~ NFL/NBA/NHL - Up to 2 keepers
~ MLB - Up to 3 keepers

~ Dues:
~ $100 per person for the year

~ Payouts for 8 team league (for 10 team league):
~ $100 for league victory
~ $250 ($350) for winning Court Street Cup
~ $150 for Cup runner-up
~ ($100 for Cup third place)

~ Leagues will be hosted on ESPN because they have the best mobile apps

If you have any questions, post a comment.