The Fantasy Life of Robbie Gould

Typically in fantasy football, a manager doesn't become incredibly attached to their kicker. They are usually drafted in the last round, dropped on their bye week and then the manager moves on to someone else. Strategy is seldom involved. Their fantasy value is more contingent on the offense's ability to drive down the field yet stall out anywhere from 1 to 35 yards from the endzone. A factor that is out of a kicker's hands...no pun intended.

The struggling Blue Gators (3-7) are trailing the River's Edge Roosters by a slender 5 point margin. The only person left to play on either roster is Robbie Gould, the starting kicker for the Chicago Bears, the starting kicker for the Blue Gators, the starting kicker who I would love to get 6 points for me this week.

Even though my team is 3-7 and Blazar's team is 4-6, there is a lot riding on this matchup... and Robbie Gould's boot. Last place in each division plays in the Book Report Battle during Week 16. As much as I would like to avoid that game, I did decide it was better to trade for Al Jefferson in The Jovonovich (NBA) as opposed to having Tom Brady for the last 4 weeks of the season. Also, I'm sick of being in last place. My teams are currently 10th in football, 10th in basketball (I'm tied with other teams at 1-2 but ESPN still has me ranked at 10th) and 10th in the CSC overall. This win and 3 CSC points would be a 6-point swing and an opportunity for me to get out of the proverbial CSC basement.

With all of this on the line, I've done way more research on Robbie Gould than any fantasy manager should have to do. Now I know I can secure a tie with 5 points, I would rather just get the 6 to bring myself even with Blazar, and possibly Don, in our terrible division.

Robbie Gould's 2012 Stats:

• His lowest fantasy output was 5 points versus Green Bay in Week 2. He made 1 field goal and one PAT. Chicago lost that game 23-10 in Green Bay.
• He has reached double-digits in fantasy output in 5 of 9 games this year with his highest being 16 against Tennessee just two weeks ago.
• His career FG% is .858 (that's pretty good considering he kicks more in bad weather than others).
• The Bears offense is currently averaging roughly 3 TDs and 2 FGs a game this season.
• The 49ers defense has only allowed 14 points a game this season which is fine. If the Bears only score 13 points (1 TD & 2 FGs), I win. If the Bears score just 6 points (2 FGs), I win.
• ESPN has him projected to get 5 points but ESPN's projections are made by dipshits because I was supposed to score 180 points 3 times this season and my highest total is 154.

Conclusion:

Based on averages, I should win. Based on averages, my team should be better than 3-7. Based on averages, I should be able to at least catch one fucking break this season.

If I do lose, I have found that Robbie Gould currently lives in Prairie Creek. It is a neighborhood in Kildeer which is in Lake County which is a suburb of Chicago, I think, which I will be visiting if he fucks this up. If the Bears offense fucks this up, I will be writing a strongly worded letter to their main office.

Morale of the Story:

Just kick me 2 field goals dipshit... or 1 field goal and 3 extra points... or 1 50-yard field goal and an extra point... just get me 6 points... dipshit.